This weekend i read "sweet grapes" by Jean and Michael Carter, a book on...well, how to stop living life as an infertile, mainly. After many years struggling with infertility during the 80s and 90s, they finally made the decision to live a childfree life. and this book is about how they left behind the misery of infertility, eventually finding great contentment in a life without children.
It was so hard to read. All the anger that I've been feeling towards my RE suddenly turned on this book. I actually felt anger at this couple for even suggesting that I don't have children - which is really, not what they were doing, but I was angry anyway. But I persevered and eventually was able to learn, I think, a bit about myself in the process. And here’s what that was.
I’m infertile. I’ve known it a while of course, but I’m just realizing how much a part of me it has become. I don’t know that even with a child I will ever be “cured” of this. I don’t mean to say that infertility defines me. I mean, these days at times it certainly does and I should definitely work on that. But it’s more than a label. Part of me wants to scream and rage, and another part of me is totally, morbidly fascinated by the emotions and desires that I’ve struggled with these past 4 years.
I can’t do it another four. That is to say, continue along in the same psychologically fragile and emotionally high strung state that I’m in now. I can’t put my husband through that and I don’t know that I would survive it anyway. But I still want a child and I don’t want to make that go away. So, how does one find harmony here?
It’s not a trick. I’m not trying to get one over on the fertility gods, by playing the “I’m not trying anymore” card. I just want to find some contentment in my life. I don’t want to live a life on hold anymore.
I would appreciate any advice or thoughts on this. I don’t know where to go from here. So far my plan is: keep your eyes open and don’t hide from the world. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten.
Any ideas?
It was so hard to read. All the anger that I've been feeling towards my RE suddenly turned on this book. I actually felt anger at this couple for even suggesting that I don't have children - which is really, not what they were doing, but I was angry anyway. But I persevered and eventually was able to learn, I think, a bit about myself in the process. And here’s what that was.
I’m infertile. I’ve known it a while of course, but I’m just realizing how much a part of me it has become. I don’t know that even with a child I will ever be “cured” of this. I don’t mean to say that infertility defines me. I mean, these days at times it certainly does and I should definitely work on that. But it’s more than a label. Part of me wants to scream and rage, and another part of me is totally, morbidly fascinated by the emotions and desires that I’ve struggled with these past 4 years.
I can’t do it another four. That is to say, continue along in the same psychologically fragile and emotionally high strung state that I’m in now. I can’t put my husband through that and I don’t know that I would survive it anyway. But I still want a child and I don’t want to make that go away. So, how does one find harmony here?
It’s not a trick. I’m not trying to get one over on the fertility gods, by playing the “I’m not trying anymore” card. I just want to find some contentment in my life. I don’t want to live a life on hold anymore.
I would appreciate any advice or thoughts on this. I don’t know where to go from here. So far my plan is: keep your eyes open and don’t hide from the world. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten.
Any ideas?
